Chit-Chat !! : "Heart Break Will Never Over"

It's been a long time since i ever post again.
But i'm glad i'm back LOL.

That's because someone i just knew actually request for this topic, so i thought...

WELL WHY NOT!? THANK YOU FOR BEING THE FIRST READER IN MONTHS LOL!

And amazingly the one who asked for this topic is a girl outside from Indonesia, so i guess i'm getting more famous hehe- hehehehe- (Yes... i'm this hopeless, DON'T JUDGE ME)

And talking about Heart Break is kinda hurt me...

I don't care what you think about me, i don't care if in your point of view i'm weak, but it is surely painful for me , why ? because when i love someone , well i really mean it... i never think to change my love again, i know how hard it is to get love, i know how hard it is to keep the relationship, and i'm ready for it. 

But destiny always change everything and ruin everything...

It's like i have this curse that stay with me, some girls may being close to me, ask for help, chat about her day, chat about her problem, then we go together, she even woke me up in the morning from phone, then everytime when we met... her smile just made my day- it was the brightest, warmest, and sweetest thing i ever had that year. Until she said...

"Hey ,vel... you are the best gift for me right now, i wish we never go separate ways"

"Of course i won't... why would i ?"
"Because i actually need help..."
"What? tell me about it, i will help you"
"Ok... i like this guy and i need you to bla bla bla-"

.....
.......

*IT WAS PAINFUL! PLEASE STOP! PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT! IT'S JUST A DREAM !! PLEASE stop.... please....* as i cried inside myself so hard that i couldn't even speak without trying to hold my tears in front of her.

But okay, i'm just nobody for her, i don't have any right to make her mine, i don't have any right to expect her to love me back... i'm nobody, so then i always give my advice for someone that i love so much to stay with her boyfriend... even tho it's killing me inside, but i couldn't see someone that i love crying because her love got rejected, i can't see that.

Then after that, even in High school i met someone like that, THREE TIMES! THREE TIMES!! IT WAS A PAIN! every sacrifice that i made for them just meant nothing, I walk miles just to met her, i didn't eat just to treat her, i cancel my plan just for her, i did everything for her.... and i'm still nothing.

In the end either they just used me to help their grades, or just want to know how to get my friend by getting close to me.

But the curse is not ending like that, every girl that i like either will never like me back or have a boyfriend. And i need to face the reality of never will i get someone that i really want.

Girls are the most perfect, beautiful, gorgeous thing that ever existed on earth, but they indeed the deadliest creature too for me...

I'm not scared if suddenly i get deadly sickness, i'm not scared to getting struck by lightning for the one that i love,i'm not scared sleeping on the street so she can sleep in a house, but i'm sure as hell i'm scared of losing someone that i care.... what worse is i'm scared seeing her tears, i will do anything to make her as far as possible from crying. Even if that means i need to sacrifice myself keeping a distance from someone that i hope can hold me as close a possible. But hey, i'm nothing anyway...

Now the pain from my past stay in my head, i don't even know anymore who hates me or love me, i can't tell the different. What's in my head is if someone love me, i always think "Why ?... I'm nobody, i'm far from perfect, i'm far from your expectation, there's someone better out there who's perfect for you, not me" then i'm automatically keeping a distance for anyone who try to get close to me. I try to change that i swear, But it's like a trauma now, i can't think any positive side about me,  i'm all bad in my eyes, i can't be confident in front of someone that i like, if i can be with her i will be so happy! but what sad is people might think "Why the hell someone would date this guy, she's too perfect for him" and i always think "oh... yeah...it's true... why? why would you?".

Heart break may come to you ,and will always come to me, but i hope you never get in my place, the feeling of betrayal, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of pain. That was all being a part of me, so please to whoever read this just don't put your feeling too much. Make sure that your couple is worth being trust, make sure your couple is worth for any of your sacrifice, make sure that you are not giving someone too much attention... The warm feeling from your attention might kill someone's feeling, so keep it steady and not over reacting except you really want that person.

I will never say it's wrong to love someone , what i say is it's wrong to love someone 100%, I did that, and i expect them to love me back 100%, which is not even one loves me back. And even when they said "I will never being far from you" or "i will always care for you" in the end i'm the one who doesn't change... i'm the one who's waiting on the ground while you fly away so high that i can't even reach you out even for a talk... and when you fall, i'm the first who catch you, taking care of you , make sure you're getting better, just so i can see you fly again leaving me alone... 

I often said "I'm always here" to anyone, so they don't feel anytime when they fall nobody catch them, and they need to treat their wounds alone without any help. I've been there , when i cry each time the girl i like told me they loves someone, nobody say anything to me... nobody knows anything, i keep it alone, and now that burden hunts me for life, i won't let anyone stand on the same spot as me. 

So please take my advice before it's too late, NEVER. LOVE SOMEONE. 100%!

And for anyone that feel it's already too late... you're not alone, The Pain is normal, no you can't forget it, no you can't erase it, no the scar will stay in your memory and there is nothing you can do about it, except for accepting the fact that it's actually painful, so when the pain comes again to you, you already getting used to it, and ready to deal with it without hesitation.